Hash Hymnal

Songs are a big part of hashing, whether you are in circle or at drinking practice, so learning the songs is a must! Read below to find the words to your favorite song. If you see a song that is missing, send us a message with the title and words and we will add it to the list!

Short Songs	Longer Songs
Dinah, Won't You Blow Me?	As I Was Walking
Dough, the Stuff that Buys Me Beer	The Ball of Kirriemuir
The Frenchman Went to the Toilet	Barnacle Bill
Fuck a Duck	Bestiality's Best
Fuck Off	Clint Meets the Gay Caballero
Give Me an A!	The Engineer's Song
Happy Birthday	Follow the Band
He's a Hasher, He's True Blue	Gang Bang
He's the Meanest	Glorious, Victorious
He Oughta Be Publicly Pissed On	The Hairs of Her Dickey Di-Do
Here's to Brother Hasher	The Hash House Quartet
Her Right Tit Hangs Down	I Don't Want to Join the Army
His One Skin Hangs Down	I Used to Work in Chicago
Hitler Has Only Got One Ball	The Jesus Song
Hold It in Your Hand, Mrs. Murphy	The Lassie With the Black Hairy Assey
Hymn	My Girl's a Vegetable
Our Lager	My Name is Jack
Last Night	The Music Man
Love Me Tender	Poetry
Meet the Hashers	Rodriguez the Mexican Pervert
My Asshole is Sore	The S&M Man
The Nipples On Her Tits	Swing Low
No One Wants to Fuck Grandma	Woodpecker Song
Now You've Finally Shut Up	Yo Ho
The Old Brown Cow	Yogi Bear
Pissonya
Sally in the Alley
She's a Little Sexpot
Shitty Trail
Skeeter on My Peeter
A Soldier I Will Be
There Was a Little Bird
They Say He's a Joy to His Mother
Twenty Toes
What a Wank
When It's Hog-Calling Time in Nebraska
When It's Incest Time in Texas
Where, Oh Where, Were You Last Week?
Whip It Out at the Ball Game
Why Are We Waiting?
Why Was He Born So Beautiful?
With an F, With an F, With an F-U-C
Would You Like a Finger?

 

Dinah, Won't You Blow Me?

To the tune of "I've Been Working on the Railroad"
Dinah, won't you blow me
Dinah, won't you blow me
Dinah, won't you blow my hooorrr-orn?
Dinah, won't you blow me
Dinah, won't you blow me
Dinah, won't you blow my horn?

Someone's in my sister's vagina
Someone's in my sister I knooo-oowww
Someone's in my sister's vagiiii-naah
Blowing like a dynamo
And going *blblblblblblb* (mouth noise)

Back to top

Dough, the Stuff that Buys Me Beer

To the tune of "Do Re Mi"
Dough, the stuff that buys me beer
Ray, the guy who sells me beer
Me, the guy who drinks the beer
Fa, a long long way from beer
So, I'll have another beer
La, la la la la la, beer
Tea, no thanks I'll have a beer
And that brings us back to
Down down down down down...

Back to top

The Frenchman Went to the Lavatory

To the tune of "La Marseillaise"
The Frenchmen went to the lavatory
To have a jolly good shit *bloop bloop*
He took his coat and trousers off
So that he could revel in it *bloop bloop*
But when he reached for the paper
He found that someone had been there before

"Ou est le papier?
Ou est le papier?
Monsieur, monsieur, je fais manure
Ou est le papier?"

Back to top

Fuck a Duck

To the tune of "Do Re Mi"

Fuck a duck, a female duck
Screw a baby kangaroo
Fingerbang an orangutang
Let an elephant do you
Feel the penis of an eel
Whack the asshole of a yak
Masturbate with a gnu
And that brings us back to
Down down down down down...

Back to top

Fuck Off

To the tune of "Auld Lang Syne"
Fuck off, fuck off
Fuck off, fuck off
Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off
Fuck off, fuck off
Fuck off, fuck off
Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off

Fuck off, fuck off
Fuck off, fuck off
Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off
Fuck off, fuck off
Fuck off, fuck off
Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off

Back to top

Give Me an A!

Give me an A! (A!)
Give me an A! (A!)
Give me another A! (A!)
What's it spell?
Aaaaahhhhhhh.

Back to top

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday, fuck you
Happy birthday, fuck you
Happy birthday, fuck you
Happy birthday, fuck you

Back to top

He's a Hasher, He's True Blue

He's a hasher, through and through
He's a pisspot, so they say
Tried to get to heaven but went the other way!

Back to top

He's the Meanest

He's the meanest
He sucks the horse's penis
He's the meanest
He's the horse's ass (Hey!)

Ever since he found it (hey!)
All he does is pound it (hey!)
He's the meanest
He's the horse's ass

Back to top

He Oughta Be Publicly Pissed On

He oughta be publicly pissed on
He oughta be publicly shot (bang bang)
He oughta be tied to a urinal
And left there to fester and rot

Back to top

Here's to Brother Hasher

Here's to Brother Hasher
Brother hasher, brother hasher
Here's to Brother Hasher
May he chug-a-lug

He's happy, he's jolly
He's fucked up, by golly
Here's to Brother Hasher
May he chug-a-lug

So drink motherfucker, drink motherfucker
Drink motherfucker, drink motherfucker
Here's to Brother Hasher
May he chug-a-lug

Back to top

Her Right Tit Hangs Down

To the tune of "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean"
Her right tit hangs down to her belly
Her left tit hangs down to her knee
If her right tit hung down to her left tit
She'd get lots more weenie from me
(Can be followed by "They Say She's a
Joy to Her Mother" )
Back to top

His One Skin Hangs Down

To the tune of "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean"
His one skin hangs down to his two skin
His two skin hangs down to his three
His three skin hangs down to his fore skin
His fore skin hangs down to his knee

Roll back, roll back
Roll back his foreskin for him, for him
Roll back, roll back
Roll back his foreskin for him

You can also follow this with the "Jewish version"
His one skin hangs down to his two skin
His two skin hangs down to his three
The rabbi he cut off my foreskin
Please sew back my foreskin for me

Sew back, sew back
Please sew back my foreskin for me, l'chaim!
Sew back, sew back
Please sew back my foreskin for me!
Back to top

Hitler Has Only Got One Ball

To the tune of the "Colonel Bogey March"
Hitler
Has only got one ball
Goering
Has two, but very small
Himmler
Has something similar
But poor old Goebbels
Has no balls
At all

Back to top

Hold It in Your Hand, Mrs. Murphy

Hold it in your mouth, Mrs. Murphy
It only weighs a quarter of a pound
It's got hair on its neck like a turkey
And it spits when you stroke it up and down, down, down, down....

Back to top

Hymn

Hymn, hymn
Fuck him

Back to top

Last Night

To the tune of "Funiculi, funicula"
Last night, I laid in bed and masturbated
It felt so good, I knew it would
Last night, I laid in bed and masturbated
It felt so nice, I did it twice

Ohhhhh would you like to see me on my short stroke
It felt so grand, I used my hand
Ohhhhh would you like to see me on my long stroke
It felt so neat, I used my feet

Smash it bash it bang it on the floor
Wrap it 'round the bedpost and fling it out the door
Some people think that sexual intercourse is something really graaaaaaaaand
Me, I'd rather sit at home and work one out by hand

Back to top

Love Me Tender

To the tune of "Love Me Tender"
Love me tender
Love me sweet
Wrap your lips around my meat
Watch me giggle, watch me grin
As my cum runs down, down, down, down....

Back to top

Meet the Hashers

To the tune of "The Flintstones"
Hashers, meet the hashers
We're the biggest drunks in history
From the town of MEMPHIS!
We're the leaders in debauchery

Half-minds, trailing shiggy through the years
Watch us, as we down a lot of beers
Down down, down down down down,
Down down down down down down down down
Down down down down down
Down down down down down down

Back to top

My Asshole is Sore

To the tune of "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean"
My asshole is sore from your fucking
My asshole is sore from your dick
My asshole is sore from your stuffing
So give it a rest, you prick

Back to top

The Wiggle of Her Ass

Oh, the wiggle of her ass could make a dead man cum
And the nipples on her tits are as big as my thumb
She's a mean motherfucker
She's a great cocksucker
She's a harriette.

Back to top
 

No One Wants to Fuck Grandma

Original tune
My father does my sister
My brother fucks my mother
And little Johnny likes to bugger the dog (yee-hah!)
My foreskin's still a-buzzin'
From givin' my cousin lovin'
But no one wants to fuck Grandma
Bow bow bow
Grandpa used to do her
Now even he won't screw her
No one wants to fuck Grandma

Back to top

Thank God You Finally Shut Up

Male version Thank God you finally shut up
You sorry son of a bitch
So drink your beer, get out of here
You make my asshole itch

Female version Thank God you finally shut up
You're always fucking bitchin'
So drink your beer, get out of here
And get back in the kitchen

Back to top

To the tune of "The Old Gray Mare"
The Old Brown Cow

The old brown cow went thfpppt! up against the wall
Thfpppt! up against the wall
Thfpppt! up against the wall
The old brown cow went thfpppt! up against the wall
And now it's covered with shit, shit, shit

Back to top

Our Lager

Spoken, not sung; this is a fucking prayer, after all. Show some goddamn
respect.
Our Lager
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk
I will be drunk
At home as in the tavern
Give us this day our foamy head
And forgive us our spillages
As we forgive those who spill beer against us
And lead us not into incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the Beer, the Bitter and the Lager
For ever and ever
Barmen

Back to top

Pissonya

Pissonya, pissonya, pissonya
In Russian it means I love ya
If I had my way
I'd piss on ya all day
Pissonya, pissonya, pissonya

Shitonya, shitonya, shitonya
In Russian it means I love ya
If I had my way
I'd shit on ya all day
Shitonya, shitonya, shitonya

Cumonya, cumonya, cumonya
In Russian it means I love ya
If I had my way
I'd cum on ya all day
Cumonya, cumonya, cumonya

Back to top

Sally in the Alley

Sally in the alley, sifting cinders
Lifted up her skirt and farted like a man
The wind from her butt blew out six winders
The cheeks of her ass went bam! bam! bam!

Back to top
 

She's a Little Sexpot

To the tune of "I'm a Little Teapot"
She's a little sexpot
Short and squat
Here are her handles
Here is her twat
When she get's all filled up
Hear her shout
"Bend me over
And eat me out!"

Back to top

Shitty Trail

To the tune of "The Mickey Mouse Club"
S-H-I, T-T-Y
T-R-A-I-L
Shitty trail (It sucked!)
Shitty trail (It really sucked!)
The motherfuckers laid a shitty trail
I'd rather sit at home and drink warm beer
Than run your shitty trail
S-H-I, T-T-Y
T-R-A-I-L
Full disclosure, I know the "I'd rather" line doesn't have the right cadence or syllables, but it's how I learned it, sooooo - One Eye
Back to top

Skeeter on My Peter

To the tune of "If You're Happy and You Know It"
There's a skeeter on my peter, whack it off
There's a skeeter on my peter, whack it off
There's a dozen on my cousin
I can hear those fuckers buzzin'
There's a skeeter on my peter, whack it off

Back to top

A Soldier I Will Be (also known as "Asshole, Asshole"

To the tune of "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik"
Asshole, asshole
A soldier I will be
To piss, to piss
Two pistols on my knee
For cunt, for cunt
For country and you're queer
Asshole asshole asshole asshole
Now drink your fucking beer

Back to top

There Was a Little Bird

There was a little bird
No bigger than a turd
Sitting on a telephone pole
He ruffled up his neck
And shit about a peck
And puckered up his birdy asshole
Asshole, asshole, asshole, asshole
He puckered up his birdy asshole

Back to top

They Say He's a Joy to His Mother

To the tune of "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean" Some hashes sing this as a continuation of "Why Was He Born So Beautiful?"
They say he's a joy to his mother
But he's a pain in the asshole to me

(Alternate second verse) My body lies over the ocean
My body lies over the sea
My father laid over my mother
And that's how they created me

Back to top

Twenty Toes

To the tune of "Yankee Doodle"
There's a game called 20 toes,
It's played all over town,
The girls they play with ten toes up,
And boys with ten toes down, down, down, down, ...

Back to top

What a Wank

To the tune of the William Tell Overture
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank wank wank
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank wank wank
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank wank wank
What a wank, what a wank wank wank
Back to top

When It's Hog Calling Time

When it's hog-calling time in Nebraska
When it's hog-calling time in Nebraska
When it's hog-calling time in Nebraska
Then it's hog-calling time in Nebraska

Boom chug-a-lugga-lugga, boom chug-a-lugga-lugga
Boom chug-a-lugga-boom
Boom chug-a-lugga-lugga, boom chug-a-lugga-lugga
Boom chug-a-lugga-boom
(King Rongjon's air guitar solo)
(Alternate verses) When it's sheep-fucking time in New Zealand
When it's sheep-fucking time in New Zealand
When it's sheep-fucking time in New Zealand
Then it's sheep-fucking time in New Zealand

When it's cow-punching time in Texas
When it's cow-punching time in Texas
When it's cow-punching time in Texas
Then it's cow-punching time in Texas

Back to top

When It's Incest Time in Texas

To the tune of "The Yellow Rose of Texas"
When it's incest time in Texas
No woman can be found
And Grandma's in the bathroom
Her panties halfway down

No time for masturbation
No time to beat your meat
When it's incest time in Texas
Mother-fucking can't be beat!

Back to top

Where, Oh Where, Were You Last Week?

To the tune of that song from "Hee-Haw"
Where, oh where, were you last week?
Why did you make us hash all alone
You fat lazy bastard, you weren't even here
So we fucked all the virgins and drank all the beer

Down, down, drink it all down
Drink it all down, drink all of it down
You fat lazy bastards, you weren't even here
So we fucked all the virgins and drank all the beer

Back to top

Whip It Out at the Ball Game

To the tune of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game"
Whip it out at the ball game
Wave it around at the crowd
Dip it in peanuts and cracker jacks
I don't care if you give it a whack
'Cause it's beat your meat at the ball game
If you don't come it's a shame (or you can yell out "I don't care" instead of "it's a shame")
'Cause it's one, two, you've covered in goo
At the old ball game

Back to top

Why Are We Waiting

To the tune of "O Come All Ye Faithful"
Why are we waiting
Could be masturbating
Oh why are we waiting
So fucking long?

Why are we waiting
Could be fornicating
Oh why are we all waiting
Oh why are we all waiting
Oh why are we all waiting
So fucking long?

Back to top

Why Was He Born So Beautiful?

Why was he born so beautiful
Why was he born at all?
He's no fucking use to anyone
He's no fucking use at all

Back to top

With an F, With an F, With an F-U-C

To the tune of the William Tell Overture
With an F, with an F
With an F-U-C
With an F-U-C-K-Y-O-U
With an F, with an F
With an F-U-C
And a K, and a Y-O-U

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
Fuck you in the morning
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
Fuck you late at night!

With an F, with an F
With an F-U-C
With an F-U-C-K-Y-O-U
With an F, with an F
With an F-U-C
And a K, and a Y-O-U
Drink it down down down down... (this should be sung to the same tune as the song)
Back to top

Would You Like a Finger?

Oh would -- you like -- a finger in your ear
Or would -- you like -- a finger in your rear
(Beer held over head, twirling) No sir, not fucking likely
Not fucking likely
Don't fucking think so
So drink it down down down down...
NOTE: Starting with "No sir, not fucking likely", the tune is to "Hava Nagila" - One Eye

Back to top

As I Was Walking

To the tune of the Doxology (consult a Presbyterian)
As I was walking through St. Paul's
The vicar grabbed me by the balls
I cried for help! but no help came
And so he grabbed my balls again

(slap knee in time, repeat previous verse in faster rhythym )

As I was walking through the woods
I shat myself, I knew I would
I cried for help! but no help came
And so I shat myself again

(slap knee in time, repeat previous verse in faster rhythym )

As I was lying in the grass
Somebody fucked me up the ass
I cried for help! but no help came
And so they fucked my ass again

(slap knee in time, repeat previous verse in faster rhythym )

Back to top

The Ball of Kirriemuir

Four and twenty virgins came down from Inverness
And when the ball was over there were four and twenty less

Chorus: Singing balls to your partner
Ass against the wall
If you can't get laid on Saturday night
You'll never get laid at all

The village vicar he was there, in his long black shroud
Swinging from the chandelier and pissing on the crowd
(chorus)
The village leper he was there, sitting on a log
Peeling off his foreskin and feeding it to the dog
(chorus)
The village economist, he was there, penis in his hand
Waiting for the moment when supply would meet demand
(chorus)
Sgt. Murphy he was there, the pride of all the force
They found him in the stable, wanking off his horse
(chorus)
The village marshal he was there, with his sword in hand
And every time he turned around he circumcised the band
(chorus)
The bride was in the bedroom, explaining to the groom
The vagina not the rectum is the entry to the womb
(chorus)
The groom was in the parlor, explaining to the bride
The penis not the scrotum is the part that goes inside
(chorus)
The village plumber he was there, he felt an awful fool
He'd come eleven leagues or more, and forgot to bring his tool
(chorus)
Little Timmy, he was there, he was only eight
He couldn't join the fucking so he had to masturbate
(chorus)
The minister's wife was at the ball, a-sitting in the front
A wreath of flower round her ass, a carrot in her cunt
(chorus)
The village magician, he was there, doing his favorite trick
Pulling his foreskin over his head and vanishing up his prick
(chorus)
The queen was in the kitchen, eating bread and honey
The king was in the chambermaid, and she was in the money
(chorus)
The village cripple he was there, he wasn't good for much
He lined up all the ladies and fucked them with his crutch
(chorus)
The local harlot, she was there, a laying on the floor
And every time she spread her legs the vacuum shut the door
(chorus)
There was fucking in the haystacks, fucking in the ricks
You couldn't hear the music for the swishing of the pricks
(chorus)
They were fucking in the parlor, fucking in the grass
All that you could see were waves of undulating ass
(chorus)
There was fucking in the hallway, fucking on the stairs
You couldn't see the carpet for the layer of pubic hairs
(chorus)
The village smithy, he was there, sitting by the fire
Doing abortions by the score with a red-hot piece of wire
(chorus)
First lady forward, second lady back
Third lady's finger up the fourth lady's crack
(chorus)
The local herder, he was there, and he began to weep
All these willing ladies, and not a single sheep
(chorus)
A couple of Hashers, they were there, a-looking for a fuck
But all the cunts were occupied and they were out of luck
(chorus)
And when the ball was over, everyone confessed
They all enjoyed the dancing but the fucking was the best
(chorus)
Back to top

Barnacle Bill

Fair maiden: "Who's that knocking at my door?"
"Who's that knocking at my door?"
"Who's that knocking at my door?"
Said the fair young maiden.

Barnacle Bill: "It's Barnacle Bill, from over the hill,"
Said Barnacle Bill, the sailor.
"It's Barnacle Bill, from over the hill,"
Said Barnacle Bill, the sailor.

Maiden and Bill continue to alternate stanzas: "Shall I come and let you in?"
"Open the door, and lay on the floor."

"Will you sleep upon the mat?"
"Bugger the mat, you can't fuck that."

"What's that thing between your legs?"
"It's a pole to stick up your hole."

"What if my parents should find out?"
"I'll shoot your Pa and fuck your Ma."

"What if we should have a child?"
"Smother the bugger and fuck for another."

"What if we should have a girl?"
"We'll dig a ditch and bury the bitch."

"What if we should have a boy?"
"I'll take him to sea so he can fuck like me."

"What if you should go to jail?"
"I'll use my cock to pick the lock."

"What if you should get the chair?"
"I'll lay a fart and blow it apart."

Back to top

Bestiality's Best

Can also be sung substituting "boys" for the individual names
Chorus: Bestiality's best, boys,
Bestiality's best -- FUCK A WALLABY!
Bestiality's best, boys,
Bestiality's best.

Tie me wallaby down, boys,
Tie me wallaby down,
You can't fuck him when he's hopping around, boys,
So tie me wallaby down.

Change your luck with a duck, Chuck,
Change your luck with a duck,
A duck's a marvellous fuck, Chuck,
So change your luck with a duck.

A drake's the best all around, mate,
A drake's the best all around,
Its entry's surrounded by down, mate,
A drake's the best all around.

A camel's a hell of a lay, Kay,
A camel's a hell of a lay,
Humping the hump, as they say, Kay,
A camel's a hell of a lay.

A moose is no bloody use, Bruce,
A moose is no bloody use,
She's big, she's mean, and she's loose, Bruce,
A moose is no bloody use.

You can shoot your load in a toad, dude,
You can shoot your load in a toad,
If there's nothing else to be rode, dude,
You can shoot your load in a toad.

Me wife was raped by an ape, Nate,
Me wife was raped by an ape,
She's in marvellous sexual shape, Nate,
Ever since she was raped by an ape.

A rhino's a hell of a treat, Pete,
A rhino's a hell of a treat,
The horniest thing on four feet, Pete,
A rhino's a hell of a treat.

A mongoose is no piece of cake, Jake,
A mongoose is no piece of cake,
He'll attack your one-eyed snake, Jake,
A mongoose is no piece of cake.

You can come again in a hen, men,
You can come again in a hen,
When you've had everything else in the pen, men,
You can come again in a hen.

Try to give a badger a roger, boys,
Give a badger a roger
A badger's a hell of a dodger, boys,
You just can't roger a badger.

You can go the course on a horse, Morris,
You can go the course on a horse,
There's lots of animals worse, Morris,
You can go the course on a horse.

You can try your log in a frog, boys,
You can try your log in a frog,
If it's the only thing in the bog, boys,
You can try your log in a frog.

You can stick your pole in a mole, Cole,
You can stick your pole in a mole,
If your pole's incredibly small, Cole,
You can stick your pole in a mole.

You can try to screw a red 'roo, Lou,
You can try to screw a red 'roo,
Be careful it doesn't screw you, Lou,
When you try to screw a red 'roo.

An ostrich can give you a ride, Clyde,
An ostrich can give you a ride,
When you get your weapon inside, Clyde,
An ostrich's a real wild ride.

You can try getting bare with a bear, Clare,
You can try getting bare with a bear,
But he's attached to his hair, Clare,
So don't try to make him get bare.

Screwing a turtle's a lark, Mark,
Screwing a turtle's a lark,
If you've got foreskin like bark, Mark,
Then screwing a turtle's a lark.

A gator is tricky to boff, Toff,
A gator is tricky to boff,
Wrong end and you'll get it bit off, Toff,
A gator is tricky to boff.

Any old beast for a fuck, Chuck,
Any old beast for a fuck,
Even an Irishman's luck, Chuck,
When you need a beast for a fuck.

You can get it on with an iguana, Donna,
You can get it on with an iguana,
But only if you really wanna, Donna,
You can get it on with an iguana.

Put your log up a dog, Claude,
Put your log up a dog,
Don't you fancy a dog, Claude,
Put your log up a dog, 'cause . . .

More verses: Stick your lug in a slug, Doug (Aren't you hot for a slug, Doug?)
Slip your slew to a ewe, Lou (Don't you dream of a ewe, Lou?)
Get turned on by a duck, Chuck (Doesn't that make you go quack, Chuck?)
Tickle the clit of a gnat, Matt (Isn't that just where it's at, Matt?)
Rough love with a horse, Boris (You gotta use force with a horse, Boris)

Back to top

Clint Meets the Gay Caballero

An original song by King Rongjon
Oh, Clint was a cowboy, he rode on the range
When he came into town he would sing this refrain
Key yai yai, yippie yai yai, key yai yai yippie ay
I'll gladly pay Tuesday for a blowjob today

On Clint at the whorehouse the door was slammed shut
His credit not good for a worm eaten slut
Key yai yai, yippie yai yai, key yai yai yippie ay
You cannot pay Tuesday for a blowjob today

So, into his saddle Clint dejectedly sank
He sat on his horse and he started to wank
Key yai yai, yippie yai yai, key yai yai yippie ay
I cannot pay Tuesday for a blowjob today

The Gay Caballero, his name was Latrell
Rode in with a song that made Clint's member swell
Key yai yai, yippie yai yai, key yai yai yippie ay
You can pay me on Tuesday for a blowjob today

For the Gay Caballero ol' Clint was no match
They found him sucked dry in a tumbleweed patch
Key yai yai, yippie yai yai, key yai yai yippie ay
Well the Gay Caballero won't get paid Tuesday

The moral is clear if you're looking for it
A blowjob on credit is worthless as shit
Key yai yai, yippie yai yai, key yai yai yippie ay
That's Clint meets the Gay Caballero, Ole!

Back to top

The Engineer's Song

An engineer told me before he died
Ah-hum titty-bum titty-bum titty-bum
An engineer told me before he died
Ah-hum, ah-hum
An engineer told me before he died
I have no reason to think he lied
Ah-hum titty-bum titty-bum titty-bum
Ah-hum titty-bum titty-bum titty-bum

He had a wife with a cunt so wide
Ah-hum titty-bum titty-bum titty-bum
He had a wife with a cunt so wide
Ah-hum, ah-hum
He had a wife with a cunt so wide
That she could never be satisfied
Ah-hum titty-bum titty-bum titty-bum
Ah-hum titty-bum titty-bum titty-bum

So he built a bloody great wheel...
With two balls of brass and a prick of steel

The balls of brass he filled with cream...
And the whole bloody thing was powered by steam

He tied her down onto the bed...
And lashed her arms above her head

There she lay demanding a fuck...
He shook her hand and he wished her luck

Round and round went the bloody great wheel...
And in and out went the prick of steel

Up and up went the level of steam...
Down and down went the level of cream

Til at last the maiden cried...
Enough! Enough! I'm satisfied!

Now we come to the tragic bit...
There was no way of stopping it

She was split from ass to tit...
And the whole bloody room was covered in shit

It jumped off her and it jumped on him...
And then it went after his next of kin

It hopped onto an uptown bus...
It's coming to fuck the rest of us!

The last time that machine was seen...
It was in Buckingham Palace fucking the queen

The moral of this story is clear...
You just don't fuck with an engineer!

Back to top

Follow the Band

My girlfriend is a lawyer, is a lawyer, is a lawyer
A mighty fine lawyer is she
All day long she fucks you, she fucks you, she fucks you
And at night she comes home and fucks me

Chorus: So drink a little bit, fuck a little bit, follow the band
Follow the band with your gland in your hand
So drink a little bit, fuck a little bit, follow the band
Follow the band all the way

Additional verses: Glassblower/blows glass/blows me
Mail clerk/licks stamps/licks me
Nurse/takes temps/takes me
Gymnist/strides poles/strides mine
Baker/kneads bread/needs me
Dancer/does steps/does me
Asthmatic/sucks air/sucks me
Cowboy/rides broncs/rides me
Mechanic/screws bolts/screws me
Soldier/shoots guns/shoots cum
Guitarist/plays licks/licks me
Pimp/beats whores/beats me
Carpenter/bangs nails/bangs me
Truck driver/grinds gears/grinds me
Postman/stuffs boxes/stuffs me
Student/fucks off/fucks me
Plumber/lays pipe/lays me
Chef/eats this, he eats that/eats me
Bricklayer/lays brick/lays me
Dentist/drills you/drills me
Taxidermist/stuffs dead things/stuffs me
Stool Pigeon/fingers crooks/fingers me

My girlfriend is a prostitute, a prostitute, a prostitute
And a mighty fine prostitute is she
All day long she fucks you, she fucks you, she fucks you
And when she comes home she goes to sleep.
(chorus)
Back to top
 

Gang Bang

Chorus: I'll take a gang bang, oh yes I will
Because a gang bang gives me such a thrill
When I was younger and in my prime
I used to gang bang all the tiii-iiime
But now I'm older and turning grey
I only gang-bang twice a day-ay

Knock knock (who's there?)
Ida (Ida who?)
Ida want another gang bang... (chorus)
Knock knock (who's there?)
Turner (Turner who?)
Turner over, let's have another gang bang... (chorus)
Gladiator...
Gladiator out before the gang bang...

Oliver...
Oliver clothes were off at the gang bang...

Ranger...
Ranger for best entry at the gang bang...

Dolly Parton...
Dolly's partin' her thighs at the gang bang...

Ben Dover...
Ben Dover and have another gang bang...

Police...
Po-leeze take me to the gang bang...

Extinct...
It stinked like fish at the gang bang...

Sharon...
Share and share alike at the gang bang...

Alice...
At least he stopped bringing his grandma to the gang bang...

Anita...
Ah needa little rest before the gang bang...

Eisenhower...
Eisenhower late for the gang bang...

Tijuana...
Tijunana bring your mamma to the gang bang...

Charlie Pride...
Charlie pried her legs apart at the gang bang...

Irish...
Irish we were at the gang bang...

Banana...
Banana na na, na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na, na na na na
Na na na na na na na na-ah

Orange...
Orange you glad I didn't say
Banana na na, na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na, na na na na
Na na na na na na na na-ah

Cuba...
The capital of Cuba is
Havanana na na, na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na, na na na na
Na na na na na na na na-ah

San Francisco...
The former quarterback of the San Francisco Forty-Niners is
Joe Montanana na na, na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na, na na na na
Na na na na na na na na-ah

Back to top
 

Glorious, Victorious

Beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer
Beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer
Got drunk last night
Got drunk the night before
I'm gonna get drunk
Like I've never been drunk before
'Cause when I get drunk
I'm as happy as can be
And we're all part of the hasher family
Oh the hasher family is the best family
Whole buncha drunks from old Germany
You got your high-ass drunks
Your low-ass drunks
You've got your Asian drunks
And we're all fucking drunk!

Chorus: Singing Glorious, Victorious
One keg of beer for the four of us
Singing glory be to God
That there are no more of us
'Cuz one of us could drink it all alone
Damn near
Pass the beer
To the rear
Of the Hash house

(chorus)
To the tune of "She'll be Comin' Round the Mountain" or "If you're happy and you know it", both work - One Eye Oh, there are no serious Hashers by the Bay (by the Bay)
Oh, there are no serious Hashers by the Bay (by the Bay)
'Cuz they're all a bunch of queers
Who get drunk on half a beer
Oh, there are no serious Hashers by the Bay (by the Bay)
(chorus)
Oh, there are no serious Hashers in the Valley (in the Valley)
Oh, there are no serious Hashers in the Valley (in the Valley)
'Cuz they're all just freaks and geeks
They'll sit and masturbate for weeks
Oh, there are no serious Hashers in the Valley (in the Valley)
(chorus)
Oh, there are no serious Hashers in the East Bay (in the East Bay)
Oh, there are no serious Hashers in the East Bay (in the East Bay)
They hang around the Oakland hills
Smoking dope and popping pills
Oh, there are no serious Hashers in the East Bay (in the East Bay)
(chorus)
Oh, there are no serious Hashers in Wine Country (in Wine Country)
Oh, there are no serious Hashers in Wine Country (in Wine Country)
'Cuz it's grapes they like to crush
But mention sex, they'll only blush
Oh, there are no serious Hashers in Wine Country (in Wine Country)
(chorus)
Oh, there are no serious Hashers in New York (in New York)
Oh, there are no serious Hashers in New York (in New York)
'Cuz they talk like Donald Duck
And they don't know how to fuck
Oh, there are no serious Hashers in New York (in New York)
(chorus)
Oh, there are no serious Hashers in the Navy (in the Navy)
Oh, there are no serious Hashers in the Navy (in the Navy)
'Cuz they're all in little boats
Making love to sheep and goats
Oh, there are no serious Hashers in the Navy (in the Navy)
(chorus)
Oh, there are no serious Hashers in Calgary (in Calgary)
Oh, there are no serious Hashers in Calgary (in Calgary)
'Cuz they'll run through waist-deep snow
Just to give a cow a blow
Oh, there are no serious Hashers in Calgary (in Calgary)
(chorus)
Oh, there are no serious Hashers in Florida (in Florida)
Oh, there are no serious Hashers in Florida (in Florida)
'Cuz they all wear string bikinis
And they all have tiny weenies
Oh, there are no serious Hashers in Florida (in Florida)
(chorus)
Oh, there are no serious Hashers in Kentucky (in Kentucky)
Oh, there are no serious Hashers in Kentucky (in Kentucky)
'Cuz they're all a bunch of hicks
Who are playing with their pricks
Oh, there are no serious Hashers in Kentucky (in Kentucky)
(chorus)
Back to top

The Mayor of Bayswater

Also known as "The hairs of her dickey di-do". When sung this way, the song just starts with "And the hairs!"

The Mayor of Bayswater, he had a lovely daughter
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees
Chorus: And the hairs (and the hairs)
And the hairs (and the hairs)
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees

One black one, one white one, and one with a little shite on
And one with a little light on, to show us the way
(chorus)
She's not a great looker, but everyone took 'er
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees
(chorus)
You'd need a coal miner to find her vagina
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees
(chorus)
If she were my daughter I'd have them cut shorter
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees
(chorus)
I've touched it, I've licked it, it tastes just like brisket
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees
(chorus)
She lived by the waterfront, with the waves lapping up and down her
cunt
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees
(chorus)
She married an Italian, who was hung like a fucking stallion
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees
(chorus)
She divorced the Italian, and married the stallion
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees
(chorus)
I folded her lips back, and there found a six-pack
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees
(chorus)
It was always hit-or-miss, whether I could find her clitoris
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees
(chorus)
I reached into her thing, and there found my class ring
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees
(chorus)
I've licked it, I've felt it, it was just like velvet
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees
(chorus)
She says that she's not a whore, but she bangs like a shithouse door

And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees
(chorus)
The aroma it lingers, it smells like fish fingers
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees
(chorus)
She stayed in Seattle, and went down on cattle
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees
(chorus)
She met a Hash House Harrier, who fucked her but wouldn't marry her

And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees
(chorus)
Back to top

The Hash House Quartet

Sung by the Hash House Quartet
Have you got a hard-on? (Not yet!)
Are you gonna get one? (You bet!)
So suck me off

Back to top

I Don't Want to Join the Army

I don't want to join the army
I don't want to fucking go to war
I'd rather hang around Picadilly underground
Living off the earnings of a high born lady

I don't want to take it up the arsehole
I don't want me bullocks shot away
I'd rather stay in England, in merry, merry England
And fornicate me fucking life away, gor blimey

Monday I touched her upon the ankle
Tuesday I touched her upon the knee
Wednesday I confess
I lifted up her dress
Thursday I saw you know what
Friday I put me hand upon it
Saturday she gave me balls a twitch
And Sunday after supper
I rammed the fucker up her
Now she earns me 40 quid a week, gor blimey

Alternate line: Now she wants it seven days a week, gor blimey

(In falsetto) I don't want to be a housewife
I'd much rather be a whore
I'd rather turn some tricks
Involving foot long pricks
Housework is a bore, gor blimey

I don't want to do his fucking laundry
I don't want to cook his fucking food
And if I'm getting laid
I should be getting paid
Else I'm really truly getting screwed

Back to top

I Used to Work in Chicago

Chorus: I used to work in Chicago
At the old department store
I used to work in Chicago
But I don't work there any more

A woman came in for a computer (a computer from the store)
A computer she wanted, my Wang she got (oh!)
I don't work there anymore.
(chorus)
Verses for men: A lady came in for a sweater...
"Jumper," she wanted, jump her I did...

A lady came in for some seafood...
Seafood she wanted, crabs she got...

A lady came in for a floppy disk...
Floppy disk she wanted, my hard drive she got...

A lady came in for some plumbing...
Plumbing she wanted, my pipe she got...

A lady came in for a pipe...
Pipe she wanted, hosed she got...

A lady came in for a doughnut...
Glazed she wanted, cream filled she got

A lady came in for an elevator...
Elevator she wanted, my shaft she got...

A lady came in for some carpet...
Carpet she wanted, laid she got...

A lady came in for a hammer...
Hammer she wanted, nailed she got...

A lady came in for a carpet...
Carpet she wanted, shagged she got...

A lady came in for some metaphysical conversation...
Metaphysical conversation she wanted, fuck she got...

A lady came in for some bolts...
Bolts she wanted, my nuts she got...

A lady came in for a ham...
Ham she wanted, porked she got...

A lady came in for some stockings...
Stockings she wanted, a hosing she got...

A lady came in for some butter...
Butter she wanted, spread she got...

Verses for women: A man came in for a balloon...
A balloon he wanted, blown he got...

A man came in for some wheels...
Wheels he wanted, rimmed he got...

A man came in for a beer...
Bavarian he wanted, bush he got...

A man came in for a doughnut...
Doughnut he wanted, my hole he got...

A man came in for a horse...
Horse he wanted, ridden he got...

A man came in for some carpet...
Shag he wanted, piles he got...

Back to top

The Jesus Song

To the tune of "The Battle Hymn of the Republic"
Jesus can't go hashing 'cuz his feet are tied together
Jesus can't go hashing 'cuz his feet are tied together
Jesus can't go hashing 'cuz his feet are tied together
Jesus saves, Jesus saves, Jesus saves

Chorus: Free beer for all the Hashers
Free beer for all the Hashers
Free beer for all the Hashers
Jesus saves, Jesus saves, Jesus saves

Jesus can't lay trail because the flour falls through his hands
Jesus can't lay trail because the flour falls through his hands
Jesus can't lay trail because the flour falls through his hands
Jesus saves, Jesus saves, Jesus saves
(chorus)
The pack can't catch Jesus 'cuz he runs across the lake
The pack can't catch Jesus 'cuz he runs across the lake
The pack can't catch Jesus 'cuz he runs across the lake
Jesus saves, Jesus saves, Jesus saves
(chorus)
(spread arms) The harriettes love Jesus 'cuz he's hung like this
The harriettes love Jesus 'cuz he's hung like this
The harriettes love Jesus 'cuz he's hung like this
Jesus saves, Jesus saves, Jesus saves
(chorus)
(on your knees) Jesus, we're only kidding
Jesus, we're only kidding
Jesus, we're only kidding
Jesus saves, Jesus saves, Jesus saves
(chorus)
Back to top

The Lassie With the Black Hairy Assey

Here's to the lassie with the black hairy assey,
Who was lifting up her kilty at the Memphis H3 Hash.

Bagpipe sounds: Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah

Then there was the jockey with his upstanding cocky,
Who was riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey,
Who was lifting up her kilty at the Memphis H3 Hash.
(bagpipe)
Then there was the Yankee who was wanking in his hanky,
At the thought of the jockey with the upstanding cocky,
Who was riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey,
Who was lifting up her kilty at the Memphis H3 Hash.
(bagpipe)
Then there was the queerie who was leering through his beery,
At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking in his hanky,
At the thought of the jockey with the upstanding cocky,
Who was riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey,
Who was lifting up her kilty at the Memphis H3 Hash.
(bagpipe)
Then there was the Harlot making money in the car lot,
To support the queerie who was leering through his beery,
At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking in his hanky,
At the thought of the jockey with the upstanding cocky,
Who was riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey,
Who was lifting up her kilty at the Memphis H3 Hash.
(bagpipe)
Then there was the Hasher who was posing as a flasher,
Hustling customers from the Harlot making money in the car lot,
To support the queerie who was leering through his beery,
At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking in his hanky,
At the thought of the jockey with the upstanding cocky,
Who was riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey,
Who was lifting up her kilty at the Memphis H3 Hash.
(bagpipe)
Then there was the Wenchy doing down-downs on a benchy,
Slaking the thirst of the Hasher who was posing as a flasher,
Hustling customers from the Harlot making money in the car lot,
To support the queerie who was leering through his beery,
At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking in his hanky,
At the thought of the jockey with the upstanding cocky,
Who was riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey,
Who was lifting up her kilty at the Memphis H3 Hash.
(bagpipe)
Now the moral of this ditty is when in San Francisco City,
And you're with your favorite girlie, chasing hairs all short and curly,
Just remember to take her hashing and to give her a good bashing,
And to avoid the Wenchy doing down-downs on a benchy,
Making money for the Hasher who was posing as a flasher,
Hustling customers from the Harlot making money in the car lot,
To support the queerie who was leering through his beery,
At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking in his hanky,
At the thought of the jockey with the upstanding cocky,
Who was riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey,
Who was lifting up her kilty at the Memphis H3 Hash.
(bagpipe)
Back to top
 

My Girl's a Vegetable

Chorus: My girl's a vegetable
She lives in a hospital
I'd do most anything
To keep her alive

She's got a new TV
It's called an EKG
I'd do most anything to keep her alive
(chorus)
Her EKG does not rise
Still she can part her thighs
I'd do most anything to keep her alive
(chorus)
She has no arms or legs
Just hooks and wooden pegs
I'd do most anything to keep her alive
(chorus)
She has no feet or hands
Her head's held on by rubber bands
I'd do most anything to keep her alive
(chorus)
She's got a tracheotomy
She can breathe while giving head to me
I'd do most anything to keep her alive
(chorus)
She cannot hear, she cannot see
But she's got an oral cavity
I'd do most anything to keep her alive
(chorus)
She can't get out of bed
Still she can give me head
I'd do most anything to keep her alive
(chorus)
She might not live out the night
So she won't put up a fight
I'd do most anything to keep her alive
(chorus)
She's had an episiotomy
That's a bigger hole for me
I'd do most anything to keep her alive
(chorus)
My girl has leprosy
Bits and pieces land all over me
I'd do most anything to keep her alive
(chorus)
I'm always guaranteed a blow
Because she cannot say no
I'd do most anything to keep her alive
(chorus)
My girl has long blonde hair
It's in patches here and there
I'd do most anything to keep her alive
(chorus)
There's one doctor I won't let in
That's Dr. Kevorkian
I'd do most anything to keep her alive
(chorus)
Back to top

My Name is Jack

Lyrics originally credited to Flying Booger
My name is Jack, Jack, Jack
I'm a necrophiliac, ack, ack
I fuck dead women, immen, immen
I fill 'em full of jism, ism, ism
I get frustrated, rated, rated
When they're cremated, mated, mated,
Try as I must, must, must
I can't fuck dust, dust, dust

Each time I pass
Through the cemetary gate
I have to stop
And masturbate

My name is Judy, Judy, Judy
My favorite stiff's a beauty, beauty, beauty
Though his pecker's soft and thin, thin, thin
His femur slips right in, in, in
Most girls like their guys aware, ware, ware
I prefer a lifeless stare, stare, stare
Don't you call me a ghoul, ghoul, ghoul
Just because my guy is cool, cool, cool

Each time I pass
Through the mortuary gate,
My vagina starts
To lubricate.

My name is Paul, Paul, Paul
My girl doesn't move at all, all, all
It's not that she's frigid, frigid, frigid
It's 'cause she's rigid, rigid, rigid
Most like their women quick, quick, quick
But the thought makes me sick, sick, sick
I fairly dread, dread, dread
Sleeping with the un-dead, dead, dead

Every time I see
A passing hearse,
My akey-breaky balls
They ache much worse.

My name is Mary, Mary, Mary
I cruise the obituaries, aries, aries
So what if they're dead, dead, dead
They don't fart in bed, bed, bed
I like leathery skin, skin, skin
I can poke it with a pin, pin, pin
And when the worms come out the butt, butt, butt
I can feed them to the mutt, mutt, mutt

Every time I see
A crematory urn,
My genitals
Begin to burn.

Back to top

The Music Man

I am the music man,
I come from down your way,
And I can play.
(Pack: What can you play?)
I can play the piccolo.
(with gestures) Pick-a-pick-a-pick-a-low, pick-a-low, pick-a-low,
Pick-a-pick-a-pick-a-low, pick-a-pick-a-low.

I am the music man,
I come from down your way,
And I can play.
(Pack: What can you play?)
I can play the piano.
(with gestures) Pia, pia, pia-no, pia-no
Pia, pia, pia-no, pia-pia-no.
Pick-a-pick-a-pick-a-low, pick-a-low, pick-a-low,
Pick-a-pick-a-pick-a-low, pick-a-pick-a-low.

Additional verses: I can play the Sexyphone...
Sexy-sexy-sexy-phone...

I can sing like a bus driver...
Holy shit the brakes don't work, brakes don't work...

I can sing like Michael Jackson...
Come here, come here, little boy, little boy, little boy...

I can still sing like Michael Jackson...
Holy shit my hair's on fire, hair's on fire...

I can sing like Natalie Wood
Glug glug glug glug glug glug glug, glug glug glug, glug glug glug...

I preach like Pope John Paul
Bless you, bless you, bless you son, bless you son, bless you son... (sprinking
beer)
Back to top

Poetry

Chorus: Poetry, poetry
Don't you like my poetry
Not as mellow
As Longfellow
But it's poetry

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white as snow
And everywhere that Mary went
That lamb was sure to go
It followed her to school one day
And a big black dog fucked it!
(chorus)
Little Miss Muffett
Sat on a tuffett
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider
That sat down beside her
And said, "What's in the bowl, bitch?"
(chorus)
There was an old lady who lived in a shoe
She had so many kids that her cunt would fit over a trash can
(chorus)
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was sodden red
The reason for that, you see
Was the pickaxe through its head
(chorus)
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
Each had a buck and a quarter
Jill came down with two-fifty
What a whore!
(chorus)
Little Boy Blue
Because he needed the money
(chorus)
Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner
Eating his sister Mary
He stuck in his thumb
And pulled out a plum
And said, "Hey, what happened to the cherry?"
(chorus)
When Mary had a little lamb
The doctor was surprised
But when Old MacDonald had a farm
The doctor nearly died
(chorus)
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Had one fucking big omelette
(chorus)
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead
She still takes it to school each day
Between two hunks of bread
(chorus)
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack jumped over the candlestick
And singed his balls
(chorus)
Mary had a little lamb
And it was always gruntin'
She tied it to a five-bar gate
And kicked its little cunt in
(chorus)
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor dog a bone
But when she bent over
Rover took over
Because Rover had a bone of his own
(chorus)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
That's what they tell me
Because I'm blind
(chorus)
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick
But Jill preferred the candlestick!
(chorus)
Mary had a little lamb
She kept it in a bucket
And every time she let it out
Her rottweiler would fuck it
(chorus)
Back to top

Limericks

Ay, yai, yai yai
Your mother and father are siblings
So sing us another verse that worse than the other verse
And waltz me around by my willie.

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
"If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it!"

Chorus: Ay, yai, yai yai
A single-line insult; see here So sing me another verse
That's worse than the other verse
And waltz me around by my willie

There once was a lady named Alice
Who used dynamite for a phallus
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And her asshole in Buckingham Palace
(chorus)
There once was a young man from Boston
Who drove a shiny red Austin
It had room for his ass
Two gallons of gas
But his balls hung outside, and he lost 'em
(chorus)
There once was a woman from Nices
Whose breasts were of two different sizes
The left one was small
Really no tit at all
But the right one was huge and won prizes
(chorus)
There was a young man from Perth
The sickest motherfucker on Earth
He ate out his mother
And cornholed his brother
Then dined on his wife's afterbirth
(chorus)
There once was a young man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
She was missing one tit
And she smelled like shit
But think of the money he saved
(chorus)
There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who had a most peculiar feeling
She'd lie on her back
And tickle her crack
And would come all over the ceiling
(chorus)
A brilliant young man from Racine
Invented a fucking machine
Concave or convex
It would serve either sex
But oh, what a bugger to clean
(chorus)
There once was a rabbi from Keith
Who circumcised men with his teeth
'Twas not for the treasure
Nor the sexual pleasure
But to get at the cheese underneath
(chorus)
There was a young man from Belfast
Whose balls were made out of brass
In dark stormy weather
He'd clang them together
'Til lightning shot out of his ass
(chorus)
There was a young fellow from Kent
Whose dick was so long that it bent
To save himself trouble
He put it in double
And instead of cumming, he went
(chorus)
There was a young man from Paree
Who buggered an ape in a tree
The result was quite horrid
All ass and no forehead
Three balls and a purple goatee
(chorus)
There was a young man from Rangoon
Who was born nine months too soon
He didn't have the luck
To be born from a fuck
But was scraped from the sheets with a spoon
(chorus)
There was a young man from Nantucket
Who took a pig in the bushes to fuck it
As he entered the rear
The pig said, "No, come round here,
Approach from the front and I'll suck it."
(chorus)
There once was a couple from Adair
That made love at the top of the stair
On the sixty-eighth stroke
The banister broke
And they did 69 in mid-air
(chorus)
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam
Just stroking the butt of his madam
He was quaking with mirth
For in all of the Earth
There were only two balls, and he had 'em
(chorus)
There was a young lady named Anna
Who stuffed her friend's cunt with a banana
Which she sucked bit by bit
From her partner's warm slit
In the most traditional lesbian manner
(chorus)
A horny old rabbi in Peru
Was vainly attempting to screw
Said his wife in dismay
"If you keep up this way,
The Messiah will come before you."
(chorus)
There was a young priest in Morocco
Whose motto was really quite macho
He said, "To be blunt
God decreed we eat cunt
Why else would it look like a taco?"
(chorus)
There once was a villain most feared
Who tied a girl to the train tracks and leered
But he tied her up wrong ways
Not crossways but long ways
And a forty car train disappeared
(chorus)
There was a young lady of Croft
Who played with herself in a loft
Having reasoned that candles
Could never cause scandals
Besides which they never went soft
(chorus)
There was a young girl from Decator
Who was fucked by a big alligator
Now nobody knew
The result of that screw
'Cuz after he laid her he ate her.
(chorus)
There was a young lady named Dot
Who lived on pigshit and snot
When she could not get these
She'd eat the green cheese
That she scraped from the sides of her twat
(chorus)
There was a young man from Lynn
Whose prick was the size of a pin
Said his girl with a laugh
As she fondled his staff
"This won't be much of a sin."
(chorus)
There was a young girl named McCall
Whose cunt was exceedingly small
But the size of her anus
Was something quite heinous
It could hold seven cocks and one ball
(chorus)
A Scotsman who lived by the Loch
Had holes down the length of his cock
When he got an erection
He'd play a selection
From Johannes Sebastian Bach
(chorus)
A lady astrologist in Vancouver
Once captured a man by maneuver
Influenced by Venus
She jumped on his penis
And nothing on Earth could remove her
(chorus)
There once was a girl named Ann Heiser
Who claimed that no man could surprise her
But Pabst took a chance
Shot Schlitz in her pants
And now she is sadder Budweiser
(chorus)
There was a young man from Australia
Who went on a wild bacchanalia
He buggered a frog
Two mice and a dog
And a bishop in fullest regalia
(chorus)
There once was a learned baboon
Who always played on the bassoon
For he said, "It appears
That in billions of years
I shall finally hit on a tune."
(chorus)
There was a young girl who begat
Three brats, by name Nat, Pat and Tat
It was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
When she found she had no tit for Tat
(chorus)
There was a young man from Bengal
Who had a rectangular ball
The square of its weight
Plus his penis times eight
Was two-fifths of five-eighths of fuck all
(chorus)
There was a young man of Bombay
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
But the heat of his prick
Turned the clay into brick
And it rubbed all his foreskin away
(chorus)
There was a young fellow from Brewster
Who said to his wife as he goosed her
"This used to be grand
But look at my hand
You aren't wiping as clean as you used 'ter."
(chorus)
An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
Said, "Fucking is one thing I do know
A woman is divine
A boy even more fine
But a llama is numero uno."
(chorus)
An unfortunate fellow named Chase
Had an asshole that was badly misplaced
He expressed indignation
When an investigation
Found that few people shit through their face
(chorus)
There once was a young whore from Kew
Who filled her vagina will glue
She said with a grin
"If they pay to get in
Then they'll pay to get out of it too."
(chorus)
There once was a couple named Kelly
Who were found stuck belly to belly
It seems in their haste
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly
(chorus)
There was a young fellow from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
Great tufts of grass
Sprouted out of his ass
And his balls were all covered with weeds
(chorus)
There was a young plumber named Lee
Who was plumbing a lass by the sea
She said, "Stop your plumbing!
There's somebody coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me!"
(chorus)
There was an old lady from Phlox
Who set dynamite off in her box
When asked the sensation
She cried with elation
"It's better than elephant cocks!"
(chorus)
Single-line insults: Your mother and father were brothers
Your sister's in love with a carrot
Your mother swims out after troopships (and catches them!)
The troopships requested your father
Your sister licks batshit off cave walls
Your mother does squat thrusts on fire hydrants
Your brother beats off with a crowbar
Your sister douches with Drano
Your father re-fills creme doughnuts
Your brother eats the creme doughnuts
Your mother deflowered Speed Racer
Your sister licks moose cum off pine cones
Your brother likes sheep more than women
Your mother likes gangbangs from scout troops
Your father sucks farts from dead chickens
Your sister goes down for a quarter
Your mother makes tampons from gerbils
Your sister can suck-start a Harley
Your sister leaves slime trails like snails
I'm the reasons my parents stopped having children
Back to limericks
Back to top

The S&M Man

Can also be sung as "The S&M Girl" for those so inclined
Who can take a bicycle (who can take a bicycle)
Tear off the leather seat (tear off the leather seat)
Impale a virgin on it and push her down a bumpy street?

Chorus: The S&M Man, the S&M Man
The S&M Man can 'cause he mixes it with love,
And makes the hurt feel good (makes the hurt feel good)

Alternate chorus (sing after every five or six verses): The S&M Man, the S&M Man
He's the one who hurt your mother
Sodomized and raped your brother
There can never be another (doo-di-doo, doo-di-doo)

Who can take a dildo
Ram it up your rear
Fuck you all night long
Until the shit comes out your ears?
(chorus)
Who can take a chainsaw
Rev it up real high
Shove it up your ass
Just to hear you scream and sigh?
(chorus)
Who can take some sandpaper
With some very nasty grit
Rub it back and forth
Until you have a bleeding clit?
(chorus)
Who can take a sander
Made by Black and Decker
Rub it up and down
Until you've got a bloody pecker?
(chorus)
Who can take a chainsaw
Cut the bitch in two
Fuck the bottom half
And toss the other half to you?
(chorus)
Who can take Grandpa
Pump him full of 'ludes
Drop him in a gay bar
With a bunch of horny dudes?
(chorus)
Who can take Grandma
Throw her on the lawn
Fuck her up the rear
While Grandpa cheers him on?
(chorus)
Who can take a candle
Melt it on your skin
Watch it blister up
Then stick it with a pin?
(chorus)
Who can take a tire iron
Stick up your hole
Screw a jack way up your ass
Until you rock 'n roll?
(chorus)
Who can find some newlyweds
Sneak into their room
Fuck the bride in bed
And then sodomize the groom?
(chorus)
Who can take a little girl
Before she's on the rag
Fuck her till she's dead
And then toss her in a bag?
(chorus)
Who can take a pussy
Suck out all the yeast
Spit it in some dough
And bake up a tasty feast?
(chorus)
Who can take two ice picks
Stick one in each ear
Ride you like a Harley
While he fucks you up the rear?
(chorus)
Who can take a light bulb
Shove it up your ass
Fuck you up the rear
Until you're shitting chunks of glass?
(chorus)
Who can shave a pussy
Without the shaving cream
Slap some on some Aqua Velva
Just to hear her yell and scream?
(chorus)
Who can take a glass rod
Shove it up his prick
Lay it on the table
And smash it with a brick?
(chorus)
Who can take a cheese grater
Strap it to his arm
Rub it back and forth
'Til he makes pussy parmesian?
(chorus)
Who wears pants with zippers
With no underwear
Then pulls it up and down
Until he has no pubic hair?
(chorus)
Who can take a pregnant woman
Fuck her til she's dead
Fuck her even harder
Til the fetus gives him head?
(chorus)
Who can take a baby
Lay it on a bed
Turn the bugger over
And fuck the soft spot in its head?
(chorus)
Who can go to an abortion clinic
Sneak around the back
Rummage through the dumpster
'Til he finds a tasty snack?
(chorus)
Who can go to an abortion clinic
Forget about the back
Run right through the front door
And suck a fresh one from her crack?
(chorus)
Who can take your scrotum
Stick it with a pin
Hang on a bunch of weights
Until it drags down to your shins?
(chorus)
Who can take just two bricks
Take one in each hand
Bang them on his balls
Like the cymbals in the band?
(chorus)
Who can drive an ambulance
To a totalled Cadillac
Fuck the injured woman
And her daughters in the back?
(chorus)
Who can take some jumper cables
Attach one to each tit
Connect them to a Mack truck
'Til she has orgasmic fits?
(chorus)
Who rubs down with honey
Just to have a chance
To lay out on the lawn
And be a picnic for fire ants?
(chorus)
Who can shave his body
Pubic parts and all
Swim around all day
In a pool of alcohol?
(chorus)
Who ties down his sweetie
Every single day
Covers her with rats
And lets the kitties in to play?
(chorus)
Who can take some shackles
Chain you to the walls
Fill a glass with sperm
By lancing both your balls?
(chorus)
Back to top

Swing Low

Hand gestures are required, but they can't be reproduced here.
Swing low, sweet chariot (huh!)
Coming for to carry me home
Swing low, sweet chariot (huh!)
Coming for to carry me home

I looked over Jordan (swish!)
And what did I see (huh!)
Coming for to carry me home
A band of angels
Coming after me
Coming for to carry me home

If you get there before I SHIT (huh!)
Coming for to carry me home
Tell all my friends
I'm coming too (huh!)
Coming for to carry me home

Repeat with humming, Scooby Doo, double-time with tongues out
Back to top

The Woodpecker Song

I put my finger in a woodpecker's hole,
And the woodpecker said, "God bless my soul,
Take it out, take it out, take it out,
REMOVE IT."

I removed my finger from the woodpecker's hole,
And the woodpecker said, "God bless my soul,
Put it back, put it back, put it back,
REPLACE IT."

Continuing variations: Turn it round/REVOLVE IT
Other way/REVERSE IT
In and out/RECIPROCATE IT
Speed it up/ACCELERATE IT
Slow it down/RETARD IT
Once again/REPEAT IT
Leave it in/RELAX IT
Pull it out/RETRACT IT
Take a whiff/REVOLTING

Back to top

Yo Ho

To the tune of "When Jonny Comes Marching Home" I placed my hand upon her toe, yo ho, yo ho
I placed my hand upon her toe, yo ho, yo ho
I placed my hand upon her toe
She said, "Hey hasher, you're way too low!"
"Get it in, get it out, quit fucking about!"
Yo ho, yo ho, yo ho

I placed my hand upon her knee...
She said, "Hey hasher, quit teasing me!"

I placed my hand upon her thigh...
She said, "Hey hasher, you're way too shy!"

I placed my hand upon her tit...
She said, "Hey hasher, you're getting it!"

I placed my hand upon her twat...
She said, "Hey hasher, you've hit the spot!"

I placed my dick into her mouth...
She said, "Mmrphhh mmrfrm fmmrrf mrphhh mmrfrm fmmrrf!"

And now she's gone but not forgot...
So we dug her up and FUCKED THE ROT!

We did her up every now and then...
We fucked her once, we'll fuck her again!

Back to top

Yogi Bear

There's a bear in the deep dark woods
Yogi, Yogi
There's a bear in the deep dark woods
Yogi, Yogi Bear
Yogi, Yogi Bear
Yogi, Yogi Bear
There's a bear in the deep dark woods
Yogi, Yogi Bear

Yogi has a little friend
Boo Boo, Boo Boo
Yogi has a little friend
Boo Boo, Boo Boo Bear
Boo Boo, Boo Boo Bear
Boo Boo, Boo Boo Bear
Yogi has a little friend, Boo Boo, Boo Boo Bear

Boo Boo Bear has no teeth
Gummy, Gummy
Boo Boo Bear has no teeth
Gummy, Gummy Bear

Boo Boo's only three feet tall
Yogi, Yogi
Boo Boo's only three feet tall
Yogi's a lucky bear

Additional verses: Yogi has a girlfriend (Cindy)
Cindy likes it on the ice (Polar)
Cindy likes it up the ass (Brown Bear)
Cindy likes it on the ice (Polar)
Cindy has a shaven snatch (Grizzly)
Cindy likes it in the dark (Black Bear)
Cindy likes it upside down (Koala)
Yogi has a cheesy dick (Camem -- Camenbear)
Yogi likes to roll his own (Smokey)
Cindy's white and Yogi's black (Panda)
Yogi has a twelve-inch cock (Lucky)
Boo Boo says he has one too (Liar)
Cindy Bear likes lingerie (Teddy)
Cindy's in the NRA (Right to -- Right to Bear)
Cindy Bear has double Ds (More than -- More than I can bear)
Cindy likes menage a trois (Boo Boo -- Boo Boo's a lucky bear)

Conclusion: Yogi Bear has HIV
Dying, dying
Yogo Bear has HIV
Dying, dying bear
Dying, dying bear
Dying, dying bear
Yogo Bear has HIV
Dying, dying bear

Back to top