Memphis H3 Hash Mismanagement
1. GRAND MASTER: ONE-EYED WETTER
The head hasher. The chairman of the board. The big cheese. The HMFIC. The guiding light. Gispert’s legacy. The GM is not simply a figure head for the hash, rather (s)he personifies the hash’s character (or lack thereof.) (S)he leads with a dynamic strength that permeates the fabric of the organization. Both directly, and through the hash officers, (s)he gives inspiration, direction, and vision to all. This position ranks only below Beermeister, Songmeister, Hash Cash, Hash Flash, and Public Exposer/Shit Talker in real importance to the hash.
2. JOINT MASTER: RUNS ‘EM DRY
This is our OTHER figurehead, the OTHER embodiment of our Hash. The JM is the Head of the mismanagement gaggle and the head of the Hash whenever the GM is not around. He/she directs the Circle in the absence of the RA and GM. Convenes Mismanagement meetings as necessary to generate hate and discontent. Responsible for the overall organization of the Hash and someone to blame when anything goes wrong. Think of the Assistant GM as a Vice President.
3. RELIGIOUS ADVISOR: PUT IT IN MY MOUTH
(also known as the RA) Keeper of the faith and sacred Laws of Hashing. Enforcer of the scriptures. This is the hasher who has seen the light (Bud light) and can taste in his soul the true spirit of Hashing. The religious advisor spreads the word and inspires the zest and zeal of the hash in all participants. It is the job of the Religious Advisor to run circle. (S)he are responsible for leading us in song as well as making sure that violators of hash traditions are punished with down-downs. (S)he comes up with sufficiently plausible lies to cover any serious questions of propriety of actions within the hash. It is best to avoid eye contact with them during circle.
4. HARE RAISER: TAINT NO SNITCH
The Hare Raiser makes sure that there’s a hare (or hares) for each hash, and that the start location is known to the Public Exposer/Shit Talker well in advance of hash day for publicity purposes. As hare raiser, (s)he is responsible for helping to train new hares to lay trail properly. The Hare Raiser IS the hare if (s)he can’t find anyone else to do it.
5. HABERDASHER: TWO SCOOPS
This is a person who has a flair for fashion, a head for business (who said head?), and the showmanship of P.T. Barnum. (S)he’s responsible for the design, procurement, warehousing, merchandising, and vending of items of apparel and various trinkets to the hash. Prior flea market or circus midway experience preferred.
6. BEERMEISTER: PUSHING ROPE
This is unquestionably the most important position in the hash. The Beermeister has the weighty responsibility of making sure that the lifeblood of hashing is available at each and every hash event. He keeps constant vigilance to find the cheapest spirituous fermenti available, always has coolers in the trunk of his car, cases of beer in his garage, and reliably returns the empty keg to get another full one for the next hash. While this might be a “pain in the ass” job, it’s undoubtedly the most important one to the hash.
7. PUBLIC EXPOSER/SHIT TALKER: WRAP IT UP
This position is the masochist’s dream. (S)he might attempt to occasionally produce a Hound Directory to keep the hash members somewhat informed. (S)he is the principal “outside” representative maintaining the social media presence. Boring stuff to say the least.
(this position is jointly held by the GM and the Haberdasher)
The holder of the purse-strings. Someone needs to dash about the start of each hash begging for money. Someone has to keep track of what comes in and what goes out (commonly referred to as “the old in and out.”) These generally unappreciated duties fall on the shoulders of the Hash Cash. This trustworthy soul must withstand the whining of the Hares who have overspent, the whimpering of those who forgot their fees, and the interrogations of those who mistakenly think there should be some sort of accounting for hash funds.
(this position is appointed by the RA at each trail)
The person who captures for posterity any and all embarrassing hash moments. The hash flash must have an acute sense of the absurd to know what to take photos of, and also a small degree of reliability to bring a charged phone/camera on trail.
***SONGMEISTER: ONE-EYED WETTER
This is a hasher with no self-respect. (S)he never lacks for a song suitable to the occasion. His songs are risqué, lewd, and vulgar. The Songmeister speaks with other hashers and hashes to acquire songs to add to the hash hymnal. The mission is to explore new tunes and new celebrations. To boldly go where no Songmeister has gone before (pardon the split infinitive.)